How the Rent-A-Cop Stole Christmas/Script
Christmastime at the mall again, and Jude, Caitlin, Nikki, and Wyatt are volunteering. Wyatt: "Make a child's holiday happy!" donates a gift. "Thanks dude. Have a candy cane." puts the gift on a stack. A little girl walks up with another present. Jen: "Hi there. Are you donating a gift to Toy Mountain?" Little Girl: "It's for a little girl like me." Jen: "Aw, that's so sweet! You don't happen to know what it is, do you?" little girl shakes her head. "That's okay." hands the girl a candy cane. As soon as the girl is gone, Jen shakes the gift. Caitlin: to the pile of toys "Okay, this is huge!" gives her a gift unenthusiastically. "Jen, what's wrong?" Jen: "I'm surrounded by presents and I don't know what's in any of them!" Caitlin: "So? They're not for you." Jen: "You don't understand. This is like torture!" Wyatt: "You were one of those little kids who used to try to find all of her Christmas gifts, weren't you?" Jen: "I still am! C'mon, aren't you just a little bit curious?" and Caitlin look at each other oddly. Caitlin: "Don't worry, you'll find out what's in every single one of them at the kids' holiday party this afternoon." Nikki: up to them "Wow, the Toy Mountain people made you dress up as a reindeer?" Caitlin: "No, I wanted to. Do you like my tail?" Nikki: "You dressed up voluntarily." nods. "As an animal. Hmm. You really are a little Christmas nerd." Caitlin: "I love the holidays! And I love dressing up! Jonesy's so lucky." is in a snowman costume. "I wish I was the holiday snowman." Jonesy: off his head "Party, New Year's Eve, at my place, yeah baby! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" Wyatt: laughing "Amazing. Even in a fifty-pound snowman costume, Jonesy is still Jonesy." is partying hard in his costume and having fun with a bunch of other teens. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''How the Rent-a-Cop Stole Christmas' ---- ''is ringing his bell merrily as Ron walks by. Santa: "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everyone!" Ron: "Put a cork in it, Kringle." Snowman: "Happy holidays!" Ron: "Cram it, snowman!" comes up to Caitlin, who cowers before him. Ron: testy "I don't like your ears." Caitlin: "They're antlers." Ron: "You and your antlers are loitering!" shoves her aside. "What do you think you're doing?" Nikki: "Y'know, just binging on sugar, collecting gifts for less fortunate children, planning mass chaos." Wyatt: nervously "The gift collecting part is true." Ron: "I'll be watching you punks. One false move, and you're mine." leaves. Jen: "But it's Christmas! Where's your holiday spirit?" Ron: "Ho. Ho." darkly "Ho." Wyatt: Nikki "So, you going to hang with us and collect presents?" Nikki: "Ugh. The Crappy Barn has me stuck at the wrapping table they sponsored." Caitlin: "Least it all goes to charity. C'mon, cheer up, it could be fun!" Nikki: "Spending my free time with the Clones wrapping presents? It couldn't get any worse!" looks over and sees her mother at the table. "Oh no! Mom? Okay, it just got worse." walks over and drags her mother out. "Mom! What are you doing here?" Mrs. Wong: "I was inspired by all of you kids volunteering. Plus, it gives us time for some mother-daughter holiday bonding." Kirsten: "Nikki, oh my gosh, your mom is so bank at wrapping presents. She even wrapped the Khaki Barn sign!" Mrs. Wong: "You never said how much fun your co-workers are. No wonder you spend so much time at the mall!" Kristen: "Aw, Mrs. W! You're so cute!" Nikki: "I'm gonna need a very, very large coffee." ---- is talking to Wyatt at Burger McFlipster's. Jonesy: "This is not good, dude. Nikki said her mom's gonna be in the mall all day." Wyatt: "So? Nikki's mom loves you." Jonesy: "Nikki's mom loves Parental Jonesy. There's a big difference between him and Regular Jonesy. Parental Jonesy is polite, considerate, has actual–I don't know, goals? Basically, he's delightful!" Wyatt: "And Regular Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Isn't! C'mon, dude, I'm not exactly a parent's dream! I love to party, I get bad grades, I get fired." Wyatt: "What about goals? You have goals." Jonesy: "The biggest goal I have right now is to throw a killer New Year's Eve party and not get caught." Wyatt: "I see your point." Jonesy: "This is serious! I've worked hard to make a good impression as Nikki's boyfriend but this is my domain! My mall! I don't know if I can be Parental Jonesy in Regular Jonesy's hood. Aw. Maybe I can avoid Nikki's mom in this." plops his head back on and puts on a goofy voice. "Can you tell it's me?" Wyatt: "Nope. You're cool." ---- is struggling with a heavy gift. Caitlin: "I'm taking this one to the back." comes across Nikki. "Nikki? What are you doing here?" Nikki: "I'm hiding from my mother." drops the gift. Caitlin: "C'mon. It can't be that bad." Nikki: "She's wearing an all-denim suit." Caitlin: "Ew." Jen: "Well at least at the wrapping station you get to see what everyone is getting. I have to guess. This one is boys 8-10. This could be anything!" Nikki: "Sometimes it's better not to know. Some guy just bought candy cane underwear for his girlfriend." Caitlin: "Ew. Sticky." Mrs. Wong: the headset "Nikki, report to the wrapping station, stat. Did I do that right?" Nikki: "Oh no. They've taught her how to use the headsets." Mrs. Wong: "Nikki, can you hear me? Over. Dear?" Nikki: "Oh, it's like she's in my head!" Mrs. Wong: "NIKKI???" Nikki: the headset "I'm coming, Mother." herself "One more day, one. More. Day." ---- is chatting with Nikki's mom. Jonesy: "I'm not always gonna be a snowman, Mrs. Wong. I've got plans." Jock: "Yo Jonesy, party Saturday night?" Jonesy: "Dude, it's gonna be off the hook!" Wong frowns at him. "I mean, uh, as I was saying, I'm trying to decide between med school and law school. Education is very important to me." Jude: quietly "You just flunked art class, dude." Jonesy: "You're not helping here, Jude." Jude: "Sorry." walks past, his eagle eye scanning the Christmas display. Ron: "A-TENNNN-SHUN! Show me your work." examines Kirsten's gift. "Your corners aren't tight enough! Do it again!" Kirsten: "Sir yes sir!" Ron: "I'm going to confiscate all of your Christmas tree wrapping paper. Now!" Kirsten: "But it's our most popular–" Ron: "NOW, SOLDIER!" Kirsten: "Wah!" and Kristen hand over their wrapping paper. Ron: "Carry on." leaves. Mrs. Wong: "Wow, he is not very friendly." Jonesy: laughing "You should've seen him when we stole his golf cart!" what he said "I mean, uh, hi Nikki." Nikki: "Hi." walks past "Hey Yoda. What's that?" Darth: "It's a Queen Amidala costume for Julie. We like to roleplay." laughs, but soon stops, not wanting to look bad in front of his girlfriend's mother. Jonesy: "Actually, I think it's sweet that you have a shared interest." Darth: his watch "Rediator, I think we've slipped into an alternate world. Over." Julie: "I copy, Goldinator." Jonesy: "Yes, well, I'm off. Mrs. Wong, it was a pleasure to see you again." takes his head back from Jude and leaves. Mrs. Wong watches him go suspiciously. ---- mountain of toys is growing higher. Jen: a gift-wrapped box "What do you think this one is?" Wyatt: "Beats me." Jen: "Girls 12-14. It's kinda heavy. Could be a CD player. Or skates!" Wyatt: "What is the big deal?" Jen: "I can't help it, I have to know!" shakes the box, and something inside breaks. "Oops. Okay. It's not skates." puts the box back on the mountain. Caitlin: "Uh-oh. Here comes the Grinch." Ron: down wreaths "These are a fire hazard!" Caitlin: "Wow. Okay, is it just me, or is Ron really out of control this year?" Wyatt: "Did you hear what he just did to Santa?" ---- Ron: "NO LOITERING IN THE MALL, PUNK!" writes out a ticket and hands it to Santa. Santa: confused "I'm not loitering. I'm Santa Cla–" Ron: "DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME, PUDGE! I know your type. Sitting on your butt all day making promises you can't keep." Santa: "But–" Ron: "That's it! You're under arrest!" Santa: "What?" drags Santa off in handcuffs. All the kids in line begin to cry. ---- Caitlin: "Ron must really hate Christmas!" walks up. Jen: "Yeah." Wyatt: "Hey man. How's Parental Jonesy going over?" Jonesy: "Not so well, dude. It is seriously stressing me out!" Caitlin: "What, having Nikki's mom here? You could turn it into a good thing. What did you get Nikki for Christmas?" Jonesy: "Darn it! I knew I'd forgotten something!" Caitlin: "It's okay, just buy her something really thoughtful, then drop it off at the wrapping station. And presto! Instant parental bonus points." Jonesy: "You know, that's not bad, Caitlin. Thanks!" Big Steve: Jonesy "Hey! What do you think you're doing?" Jonesy: "I'm uh, taking a break?" Big Steve: "You've got five hours to go! And if I don't see the snowman walking around, bein' all...snowman-y, you don't get paid! Got it?" Jonesy: dejected "Yeah, I got it." Steve leaves. "Caitlin, you have to shop for me." Caitlin: "Oh no. If this is gonna work, it has to be from you. Mrs. Wong can't suspect a female proxy shopper." Jonesy: "But you heard the guy! If there's no snowman there's no cheddar, if there's no cheddar there's no gift, and if there's no gift Parental Jonesy is in big trouble!" Wyatt: "Can't you get someone to wear the costume for you for an hour or so?" Caitlin: "Ooh, I'll do it!" Jonesy: "Seriously?" Caitlin: "Yes yes yes EEE! It'll be so fun!" ---- enough, Caitlin is suited up. The costume looks to be a little big for her. Jonesy: "There. You okay in there?" salutes. Caitlin: "Yep. No problem." Jonesy: "Thanks Caitlin. I owe you one." takes off to find a gift. Jen: "I don't know about this." Caitlin: wobbling "Uh, don't worry, I'm fine." falls over. "Oop!" being helped up "Thanks guys! Just point me towards the doors!" wobbling "Hoo hoo hoo, happy holidays, shoppers!" Wyatt: to the gift mountain "We've got to get these gifts grouped by age and by boy vs. girl." Jen: "I think this is a baby doll. We could take a tiny peek." looks at her. Jen takes the top of the gift off and looks inside. It is a baby doll. Jen: "Yes! See? No harm, no foul." replaces the doll. Wyatt: "Okay, but–no more." Jen: "I promise." ---- little kid is tugging on the snowman's hand and crying. Little Boy: wailing "But I want a piggyback ride from the snowman!" Mrs. Wong: "Isn't that Nikki's Jonesy in that costume?" little boy tugs on the snowman's hand, and it tips over. To save herself, Caitlin reaches her arms out and ends up planting her hands firmly on the boy's mother's breasts. Kristen, Kirsten, and Mrs. Wong gasp. Kirsten: "I've never seen anyone blow it in front of a parent that well before!" Mrs. Wong: "Girls, do you know any nice single boys?" Kirsten: "Hel-lo, we're in a mall? It's like boy shopping central!" Mrs. Wong: "Good. Because I think it's time for Nikki to get herself a new boyfriend." ---- Caitlin, Wyatt, and Jen are still sorting gifts. Jen: "Can I peek? Please please please?" Wyatt: "I already let you open three gifts!" gives Wyatt a puppy-dog stare. Wyatt: annoyed "Fine. One more." tears off the wrapping paper. Jude: shocked "The Official Red Johnson Fire Engine with extendable ladder and siren action? They're making these again, bra?!?" the toy "This is the one Hanukkah present I wanted more than anything else when I was five. But I never got it." Jen: "Aw, why not?" Jude: "It was sold out. And then, one day, right before the holidays, the toy store got fifty fire engines in. My parents hurried there, but they were brutally stampeded in The Great Red Johnson Fire Engine Rush. I got a bunny sweater instead. That's probably why I'm not a fireman today." Wyatt: "And the fact that you're still in high school." Jude: "Can I keep it, bra?" Jen: "No, Jude. This is for a little boy aged 5-8 from the city shelter." Jude: "He can have my bunny sweater." Wyatt: "Why don't you just go buy one?" realization that he does indeed have the money and the ability to purchase an engine himself hits Jude. Jude: "That is an awesome idea, dude! Red Johnson, here I come!" skates off. Wyatt's phone rings. Wyatt: "Hello?" Jonesy: "Dude, I'm outside Albatross & Finch. You have got to come see this. I think the rent-a-cop has officially lost his touq." Wyatt: "On my way." hangs up and turns to Jen. "Can I trust you not to open any more gifts?" nods. ---- Ron: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" is using a chainsaw on the giant Christmas tree A&F has set up. For some reason, he is wearing S.W.A.T. gear. Wyatt walks to the front of the crowd that has gathered to watch the spectacle. Wyatt: "Oh, my!" Ron: "TIIIIIMMMMBBEERRRRRRRRRR!!!" tree falls onto the sales desk the employees have ducked behind. Jonesy: chuckling "This is classic." Ron: the employees a ticket "No live trees in the mall." ---- has just finished wrapping a present for Gwen. Nikki: "Cheers." Mrs. Wong: "Oh Nikki. I have someone I want you to meet." leads a Greeter God up to the booth. "This is Merrick." Kirsten: "He's a Greeter God from Albatross, and he actually agreed to go out with you!" Nikki: weary "Mom, I have a boyfriend? Jonesy?" Mrs. Wong: "You can do better than him. Merrick here is the assistant manager." Nikki: "Yeah, he's a total cheeseball." Merrick: "Hey!" Nikki: "You're wearing a cowboy hat. And flip-flops. In December." Kirsten: Merrick away "I'll go out with you!" Kristen: "I wanna go out with him! No fair!" Nikki: "Mom, just go back to wrapping presents, okay?" Mrs. Wong: "Fine. What about that nice Vulcan boy who stopped by today?" Nikki: "Darth? Uh, he's not a Vulcan, he's a Jedi. And he's taken." Mrs. Wong: sighing "The good ones always are." Nikki: "Mom, you know Jonesy's a good guy!" Mrs. Wong: "I'm not so sure about that." Nikki: "What is that supposed to mean?" ---- stomps up to Jonesy, who is drinking a soda. Jonesy: "Hey babe, what's–" grabs his soda. "Hey!" dumps the soda over his head. Nikki: "You fondled some yummy mummy in the atrium and made her little boy cry?" Big Steve: this "What? Jonesy, yer fahrd!" leaves. Jonesy: "What? No I didn't! Who said that?" Nikki: "My mother! And now she's trying to set me up with random Greeter Gods!" Jonesy: "I haven't even been in the atrium! I was buying you a present!" realizing "Oh, no. Caitlin!" Nikki: "What?" Jonesy: "Caitlin was wearing the costume for me so I wouldn't get fired. So much for that plan. You have to explain it to your mom!" Nikki: "Fine, just try not to do anything too–Jonesy, for the next few hours." ---- saleslady pushes Jude out of the store. Jude: "You can't be sold out, dude!" Saleslady: "Sorry, the fire truck's a hot item." goes back into the store. Jude: "This can't be happening again. Why me, man!" rips his shirt apart. "WWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY!!!" the snowman costume, Caitlin takes out her cell phone and makes a call to Jen. Caitlin: "Jen, Jude is super bummed about the fire engine. Can we give it to him? I'll buy a toy for the mountain." Jen: "I would, but we'd never find it. We kind of have a...situation here." Caitlin: "Never mind. I think I know one place Jude hasn't checked." hangs up. Wyatt comes back from Albatross & Finch and gapes. Wyatt: "What did you do?!?!?" has unwrapped every. Single. Present. Jonesy walks up with a book. Jonesy: "Check out my gift for Nikki. It's an atlas of the world that fits in your backpack." rubs his temple. "She can take it with her when she goes traveling." Wyatt: "Yeah Jonesy that's great." Jonesy: "Come on, it's the perfect gift! It's thoughtful, cool, useful–" noticing the unwrapped toys "What the heck?" Wyatt: "There's hundreds of gifts here!" Jen: "I'm sorry. I got–carried away. We just have to...rewrap them. Are you good at wrapping?" shakes his head. "ME NEITHER! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?" Jonesy: "Don't look at me. I've gotta go drop this off to be wrapped, then find Caitlin and kick her butt for groping some lady in front of Nikki's mom." ---- walks into the toy store still dressed as a snowman. Caitlin: "Hello. Have you seen any fire trucks around here?" mullet-headed kid she's talking to leaps onto her. "Uh, okay. You're actually kinda heavy." boy shoves Caitlin, and she falls backwards. As she falls, the head of her costume falls off and lands in his arms. Mullet Kid: "AAAAAHHH!" runs out of the store. Caitlin wiggles around madly. Caitlin: the fire engine "That's it!" ---- leaves the atlas on the gift wrapping table with a note. He then creeps off. Ron comes riding by. Ron: "Make way! Mall emergency!" bumps the edge of the table, knocking Jonesy's note down onto another gift. Kirsten: "Hey!" mom picks up the gift and the note. Mrs. Wong: "Hoping we can use this together one day. Love, Jonesy." smiles. "How nice. Maybe I was a little hard on him." takes a closer look at the package, gasps at what it says, and faints. Kirsten: the package "Edible candy cane underwear?" gleeful "Oh, he is so shut down!" Nikki: "What?" the package "Those are for me?" angrily moves a few paces away and takes out her cell phone. She punches in a number. "Jonesy, could you come to the wrapping station for a second?" zips up to the station. Jonesy: "I'm guessing you opened my gift?" Nikki: "You bought me candy underwear?" Jonesy: "Yep." what she said "What? No!" Nikki: "And you were gonna have my mom wrap it? Are you completely insane?" Jonesy: "Hold on a minute! I bought you something completely different!" Mrs. Wong: "I told you you could do better." Caitlin: up to the table "I have it! I found Jude's toy!" Jonesy: full-on panic mode "It was all her idea! I didn't buy those!" Mrs. Wong: "This gift is proof, dear." Caitlin: "Buy what?" Nikki: "She's never liked Jonesy!" drives up, siren blaring. Ron: "Alright, what's all the ruckus?" Jen: "Excuse me, how long would it take to wrap eight hundred and seventy-nine presents?" Wyatt, and Jude are using wagons to haul the mountain of toys towards the gift-wrapping table. Ron looks at everyone suspiciously. ---- office is decorated with all the Christmas stuff he's confiscated. Even the cell is decorated with six confiscated teenagers. Jen: "YOU CAN'T DO THIS ON CHRISTMAS EVE!" Jonesy: "I want my one phone call!" Claus, who is sitting in the back of the cell, drinks a glass of something. Caitlin: "Santa?" Claus burps. Nikki: "Wow. This guy really hates Christmas." Wyatt: "Let us out of here! This is false imprisonment!" pauses to listen to the background music. "Those Christmas carols?" walks up to the cell, carrying a tray of cookies and eggnog. He is wearing a comfy shirt over his real shirt and has on Caitlin's antlers and nose from before. Ron: "Eggnog, anyone?" Jude: "I'll take a nog, dude." Jen: "Look, I get that you hate Christmas." eyes widen. "And you probably hate us, too." raises an eyebrow. "But we really need to get back out there." Caitlin: "There's going to be hundreds of kids expecting a holiday party with presents, and no one is there to hand them out." Wyatt: sharply "Or wrap them." winces. Jude: "Do I smell turkey?" Ron: "Why yes you do. I'm heating some turkey dinners in the microwave. Back in a jiff. Relax." Nikki: Ron moves off "Anyone else think this is creepy?" Wyatt: "Just slightly." Jude: his glass "Well, here's to another Hanukkah with no fire truck." takes a drink. Jen: "We were gonna wait until tonight, but...this sucks so bad, we might as well do something fun." Caitlin: out the fire truck toy "Happy Hanukkah, Jude. We all chipped in." Jude: harried "This–the official–Red Johnson–Fire Engine–with extendable ladder and siren action!" Ron: "First made in 1968 with twin ladders, fourteen real rubber tires, and a siren. My dad gave me one of those on Christmas Day." heartbroken "Right before he headed off to war! I played with it every day until one summer that little fire engine kept rolling, rolling, down the sidewalk, then down the pier and into the ocean and then BLAMMO! A GREAT WHITE SHARK SNAPPED IT UP IN ITS JAWS AND SWAM OFF WITH IT!" depressed "It was...the darkest day...of my life." hangs his head. Jude: out the toy "Here dude. You need this more than I do." Ron: amazed "Son. That's the nicest thing anyone's done for me." pulls Jude close in a hug while the other five gape. "You're free to go." throws the cell door open. "Go on. Go. Get out of here!" in the cell hustles out. Santa leaves the security office first, and the other six are about to leave when they hear Ron making siren noises and having fun with his truck. Wyatt: "Wait a minute. Ron doesn't hate Christmas. He's–lonely. He was waiting for us to slip up, so he could arrest us!" Jonesy: "You mean he locked us up because–he had no one else to hang out with?" Caitlin: "What about that picture on his desk? The one with his family?" Jen: "Oh my gosh! That's the picture that comes with the frame! I just bought the same one for my mom!" Nikki: "Wow. That is sad." Ron: the siren noises for a moment "I can still hear you." Caitlin: "Sorry. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" friends nod. Jude: "Totally. We need more eggnog." ---- six are taking Ron with them. Ron: "I've never been to a Christmas party before. Am I dressed alright? Do I look...Christmassy?" flashes Ron a thumbs-up. Jen: "I just wish we'd had time to rewrap all of the gifts. It's just not as much fun when you don't get to pull off the wrapping." Wyatt: accusingly "And whose fault is that?" they all stop and stare at a mountain of gifts that are, amazingly enough, wrapped. Wyatt: "The gifts–are all–wrapped!" Jen: "But who could have done it? Elves?" Mrs. Wong, Kristen, and Kirsten: out from behind the stack of gifts "Surprise!" Nikki: surprised "Mom? You did this?" Mrs. Wong: "With a little help from Kristen and Kirsten, of course!" Nikki: "Maybe having you around here isn't such a bad thing after all." Ron: "Have all these presents been approved for small children!" looks at Ron oddly. Ron: "I mean, um, ho ho ho." Caitlin: "That's the spirit!" Mrs. Wong: "I underestimated you, Jonesy." Jonesy: "Well, you did think I groped some lady and bought your daughter candy underwear." Mrs. Wong: out a box "Here, Nikki. We figured out which gift was supposed to be yours." tears the paper off and looks at the book. Nikki: "A travel atlas? Jonesy, this is–is a really great gift! Did you pick it out yourself?" Jonesy: "Guilty as charged." Nikki: "So do you think Parental Jonesy and Regular Jonesy can coexist?" Jonesy: "You know about that?" merely looks at him. "That depends. Can Parental Jonesy kiss you in front of your mom?" Nikki: "Oh, I think so." and Nikki kiss. Santa Claus rises up behind them. Santa: "Ho ho ho ho ho! Happy holidays, everyone! Ho ho ho ho!" Category:Season 3